Normal
I thanked the man profusely afterward, very grateful at how it had turned out. I had been really quite nervous, but I looked fine now. I paid the man and stepped toward the door, intent on returning back to my dorm.
~
Kazuya stared at me in shock. “Shun.. you…”
I gave him a brief smile before I cut him off. “Did we have any homework from math today?” We weren’t in the same class, but we had the same teacher. He often assigned the same homework.
Still slightly stunned, he shook his head, silent, staring at me. It was more than a little uncomfortable.
I stood. “Well. I think I’m going to go find Mitsuru-sempai. He promised to help me with my English.” I gave him a brief smile, then exited the room, taking nothing but my key, shutting the door tightly behind me. Of course I was lying to him, and after a moment, he figured it out. He wasn’t dull. He called my name, telling me I had forgotten my books, but by that time I was long out the door.
They say that every adolescent boy goes through a time when he tries to figure out who he is. I always thought I had known, always thought I was so sure of myself. Sure, I looked like a girl, but that never bothered me. It helped my family and it was a great gag to play on people. It had gotten me a part of the profits from Mitsuru-sempai and Shinobu-sempai’s betting ring the first semester I had been here. It was normal for me to be weird. It was something I was peculiarly proud of, this thing that set me apart.
Seeing Igarashi Miya just fall into my roommate’s arms like that…
Hasukawa Kazuya was remarkably normal. He was what one would call a “good guy.” He wasn’t like our upper classman neighbors, whose smiles would charm or terrify anyone. He was remarkably human, sweet, kind, uptight, insecure, with a complete ray of utterly normal emotions. He was, in a way, what I had always wanted to be. Someone who fit in.
Yes, everyone liked to tease him. That was fine. They teased me too. But they viewed Suka-chan as one of them, a man in their ranks. I was an outsider. I always had been.
I wondered if my sudden change today would alter that at all.
The air was remarkably cold on the back of my neck as I made my way to the athletic fields. Mitsuru-sempai would be there. The band had to play for one of the football games, a half-time show. They were drilling.
I could hear the bass drum almost as soon as I had stepped out of Greenwood, pounding through the air, and as I neared, the snare drum became audible, then the instruments. I couldn’t hear the trombones over everything else.
I felt naked. I was there, standing by myself at the top of the hill overlooking the athletic fields, watching the poor shivering band members walk around in foolish circles. They actually looked rather good, but at the same time, very strange. Little lost ant people, searching for their burrow endlessly. And loudly. I sat down at the top of the hill to wait for him. I knew he would come this way.
It had been an act of rebellion too, I think. Everything would just go along with my trip to town today, leaving me the same way, snipped from my soul as if by scissors, all those frightening emotions I did not want to admit. Ever.
Band was over in a few minutes, and as expected, he headed this way toward me. I stood and smiled, wondering if he would even recognize me.
He didn’t, at first. I had not really expected him to. But then he stopped, stared at me a moment, and spoke, his voice incredulous. “Shun?”
And shyly, I nodded, feeling like the fool.
He smiled, walked up to me, and ruffled my hair. “Looks good. I like it.”
The two most prevalent emotions of those that are warring within me are this sudden uprising of joy, and the desire to force it back. This is exactly what I didn’t want.
Boys did not have feelings for other boys. Especially not me.
Certainly, it was fine for Yoshiki and Fujikake. That didn’t bother me at all. But neither of them were me.
And neither of them were Mitsuru-sempai.
I sort of trailed behind him, watching him out of the corner of my eye. He was my friend. He was very different from Suka-chan, perfect and golden and above all else, fun. He laughed and joked and teased, all things I needed very much, but could not get from many other people on campus. Yet he was serious when he needed to be, smart, and gentle.
In short, he was perfect to me, everything I had ever wanted.
He glanced back at me, those shimmering violet eyes. “How come you cut it?” he asked, and I did not meet his eyes.
“I just wanted to,” I replied, searching for a hint of my usual effervescent ways. “I like it, I think.”
He nodded. “Bet Hasukawa was surprised.”
I grinned then, not having to fake it. “Yeah, a little.”
We reached the dorms, my neck still relatively cold. I did feel rather pretty. If Mitsuru-sempai said he liked it, then it must look good. He would have been blunt otherwise.
Shinobu-sempai was. “Why, Shun, you look like a boy,” he greeted me with that smooth voice he possessed. I gave him a little grin, still following behind Mitsuru.
“Do you like it?” I asked him, a little nervously. For some reason, Mitsuru had picked Shinobu to be his best friend. I think it was probably because only Shinobu came close to being his equal.
Shinobu eyed me a moment, then came up with something very diplomatic. “It will take some getting used to, but yes, I believe I like it.”
I nodded and thanked him, smiling, then left their room and entered my own. Suka-chan was out, as I had known he would be. Dorm presidents had an awful lot of business to attend to. Or else he was with Miya.
I crawled into my bed, shutting the curtain, and just stared at the underside of Suka-chan’s bed. My hair was short now. I could think and act like a boy. I had to. I would.
I was resolved.
Any feelings that I had for any of my friends at Ryokuto were gone, if not in reality, then symbolically, when that final gentle tug had dropped the last bit of long hair onto the ground. It had taken years to grow that hair, but it was worth it.
Maybe, finally, I’d be normal.